1) High fertility, competitive with the Amish, Hutterites, and Hassids, is 7 kids. So any parenting strategy that doesn't facilitate those kinds of numbers will eventually fail over time.
2) I have 4 sons. The oldest is 13. He is a hardworking freshman in college (in the only legit online school that will take thirteen year olds, ASU). He does not watch porn and has ended relationships with friends who attempted to show him porn. He does not play video games and has ended most of his other friendships over this issue. Boys his age only seem to want to hang out and play video games, even the high-achieving boys on his rowing team. If there actually exists this community of hardworking boys who don't watch porn (or play video games) with whom he could compete rather that walk the lonely path he is walking, he would be so happy. And, as hardworking as he is, he would definitely work harder as he is competitive by nature. Despite the additional 6 years of waste-of-time school it would add to his life, I would also be elated for this community. My problem is that I have looked and looked and not found any such community. Moreover, we have attended a dozen churches and have not found a group of boys who don't watch porn or play video games either, let alone boys who work hard.
So I love your post in theory. I am just wondering... have you found this community of hardworking boys who don't watch porn or play video games? Where exactly please?
I think porn and video games are fundmanentally public health problems that overwhelm any reasonable capacity of self-control for much of the population. It's the equivalent of having fentanyl sold at gas stations. I do think religious communities at least try to fight the problem and mitigate it, and of course, parents have to as well as best they can. The next installment will talk about this in detail.
I'd put video games in a separate category that can be, with difficulty, enjoyed in moderation. Your son sounds exceptional!
All of my elders let their kids play video games. Most of the kids wear glasses as a result. The main problem is that, absent a meaningful household economy, there is nothing for kids to do - they're not allowed to work, they're treated as a nuisance by our aging society, and most kids are suburban where they can't roam in the woods.
I have more sympathy for the club sports thing for this reason. It's athletic, doesn't involve phones, filters for highly functional parents who can afford to travel every weekend. But man, what a drag on the family's time.
My son says he has never met a teenage boy who is capable of playing in moderation. He has met boys whose moms take their games away after a certain amount of time who then proceed to obsess over the games, talk about them, and try to figure out sneaky ways to get more time, but he has never met a kid who is actually capable of playing just a little and moving on with his life. This is why he prefers boys who don't play at all.
Have you met teen boys who enjoy games in moderation of their own free will, not controlled by their parents? Just wondering if they really exist.
A falling tide sinks all boats. We don't give our kids iphones, ipads, video game consoles, or anything like that but - like you said further down - their "friends" all play them and they obsess about them. They even get in trouble on their friends' phones. The only way to eliminate this is to bar them from hanging out with other children which would backfire. You can at least be happy that you did what you could.
My son says this is theoretically true but again, he has not met these boys. He has met one nineteen year old who is barely able to handle games like Factorio. But a) he is 19 not 13 and b) he is barely able to handle it.
Do you personally know teen boys who choose to only play games like Factorio and don't have an addictive relationship with them? If so, my won would like to Zoom with them.
Are you in a rural area that has less organized activities?
There is tabletop simulator, which is software that lets you play boardgames online.
Maybe you could find a way to vet enough other parents that have teens (in person or find an online community) to get around 7 boys that could play boardgames online.
Not a bad option, depends on the student, family circumstances, and objectives. The peer environment at a private high school / traditional college experience is an expensive and unnecessary luxury for many, and it's a narrow road to get it right. Might enjoy my column on that: https://tomowens.substack.com/p/thinking-about-college
I love most of this! My issues are:
1) High fertility, competitive with the Amish, Hutterites, and Hassids, is 7 kids. So any parenting strategy that doesn't facilitate those kinds of numbers will eventually fail over time.
2) I have 4 sons. The oldest is 13. He is a hardworking freshman in college (in the only legit online school that will take thirteen year olds, ASU). He does not watch porn and has ended relationships with friends who attempted to show him porn. He does not play video games and has ended most of his other friendships over this issue. Boys his age only seem to want to hang out and play video games, even the high-achieving boys on his rowing team. If there actually exists this community of hardworking boys who don't watch porn (or play video games) with whom he could compete rather that walk the lonely path he is walking, he would be so happy. And, as hardworking as he is, he would definitely work harder as he is competitive by nature. Despite the additional 6 years of waste-of-time school it would add to his life, I would also be elated for this community. My problem is that I have looked and looked and not found any such community. Moreover, we have attended a dozen churches and have not found a group of boys who don't watch porn or play video games either, let alone boys who work hard.
So I love your post in theory. I am just wondering... have you found this community of hardworking boys who don't watch porn or play video games? Where exactly please?
I think porn and video games are fundmanentally public health problems that overwhelm any reasonable capacity of self-control for much of the population. It's the equivalent of having fentanyl sold at gas stations. I do think religious communities at least try to fight the problem and mitigate it, and of course, parents have to as well as best they can. The next installment will talk about this in detail.
I'd put video games in a separate category that can be, with difficulty, enjoyed in moderation. Your son sounds exceptional!
All of my elders let their kids play video games. Most of the kids wear glasses as a result. The main problem is that, absent a meaningful household economy, there is nothing for kids to do - they're not allowed to work, they're treated as a nuisance by our aging society, and most kids are suburban where they can't roam in the woods.
I have more sympathy for the club sports thing for this reason. It's athletic, doesn't involve phones, filters for highly functional parents who can afford to travel every weekend. But man, what a drag on the family's time.
My oldest plays AAU. The kids are all on their smart phones between games.
My son says he has never met a teenage boy who is capable of playing in moderation. He has met boys whose moms take their games away after a certain amount of time who then proceed to obsess over the games, talk about them, and try to figure out sneaky ways to get more time, but he has never met a kid who is actually capable of playing just a little and moving on with his life. This is why he prefers boys who don't play at all.
Have you met teen boys who enjoy games in moderation of their own free will, not controlled by their parents? Just wondering if they really exist.
A falling tide sinks all boats. We don't give our kids iphones, ipads, video game consoles, or anything like that but - like you said further down - their "friends" all play them and they obsess about them. They even get in trouble on their friends' phones. The only way to eliminate this is to bar them from hanging out with other children which would backfire. You can at least be happy that you did what you could.
Games like Factorio are different than games like Fortnite.
My son says this is theoretically true but again, he has not met these boys. He has met one nineteen year old who is barely able to handle games like Factorio. But a) he is 19 not 13 and b) he is barely able to handle it.
Do you personally know teen boys who choose to only play games like Factorio and don't have an addictive relationship with them? If so, my won would like to Zoom with them.
Don't know. I grew up playing a lot of games 30 years ago, but games are closer to skinner boxes now.
What is your son spending time on instead? Sports?
Boys activities online are going to be centered on gaming as the main thing to do. Maybe online board games.
In person there are sports/athletic groups and maybe in-person board games / Chess.
I know lots of engineer and IT professionals that would be down for 6 hour games of Twilight Imperium.
Online or in person? They are not teenagers though, right? My son would love a game like Twilight Imperium.
Are you in a rural area that has less organized activities?
There is tabletop simulator, which is software that lets you play boardgames online.
Maybe you could find a way to vet enough other parents that have teens (in person or find an online community) to get around 7 boys that could play boardgames online.
What about the dual enrollment strategy?
Begin to prepare your child for the ACT and SAT as soon as they're ready.
Enroll in local college as soon as your child can get the minimum required ACT/SAT score.
One or two classes a semester, to start.
Put those classes on their High School Transcript to finish up their high school requirements while they're earning college credits.
Get bachelor's degree at 18.
Not a bad option, depends on the student, family circumstances, and objectives. The peer environment at a private high school / traditional college experience is an expensive and unnecessary luxury for many, and it's a narrow road to get it right. Might enjoy my column on that: https://tomowens.substack.com/p/thinking-about-college